Saturday, December 14, 2013

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Some people in the office this morning were talking about the ridiculous statements made by Fox News anchor or host or whatever you want to call Megyn Kelly. She announced on television that, "For all you kids watching at home, Santa is white." She also went on to declare that Jesus was white too.

I think the comments were in response to a woman who was trying to promote or encourage more images of a black Santa Claus.

One of the young guys in the office said the whole debate was stupid because Santa Clause isn't real. At that I had to pipe up and interject that Santa Claus certainly was real. I pointed out that Nicholas was a German Bishop who was sainted by the Catholic church in the fourth century. A whole bunch of miracles were attributed to him.

Joe immediately looked him up online and corrected me, saying that Nicholas was a Greek born in what is now Turkey in the third century.

"Well, there you go," I said. "Whether or not you consider Greeks or Turks to be white, I think what we've learned is that you shouldn't be getting candy and toys in your Christmas stockings, you should get gyros and baklava."

"Jesus wasn't white either," I added. "You might get away with calling a Greek white, but there is no way you could confuse a middle eastern Jew with a Caucasian.

"And I don't think the talking heads at Fox News would be willing to admit Jesus was a communist."

"How do you figure Jesus was a communist?" One of the girls asked.

"Pick any of a number of quotes from Jesus. How about when he said, 'If you want to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.' Sounds like redistribution of wealth to me.

"Or, 'It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.' No economic classes in Jesus' ideal world.

"But the one that really sticks out in my mind is, 'So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' All you have to do is replace "your heavenly father" with "the state" and you practically have the Communist Manifesto."

"You spend way too much time online," she said.

"If you mind isn't blown by that consider that Karl Marx, the father of communism, was a Jew (by birth, anyway, his father converted to Protestantism to escape anti-semitism) and who can tell me that Karl Marx doesn't look like Santa Claus! You see, the pieces start to fall together."

Bizarrely,
Lewis

Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


*-- Georgia woman recovering from toilet-seat glue pranks --*
ATLANTA - A Georgia woman said it would have been a better idea to have the toilet seat she was glued to removed by a doctor rather than the paramedics who used WD-40. Illyanna De La Keur said she was recovering from several skin tears after a rescue crew spent several minutes trying to free her from the restroom at a Home Depot where unknown pranksters spread glue on the toilet seat. "I couldn't understand why they weren't just taking me to an emergency room and having a doctor remove it," De La Keur told WSB-TV, Atlanta. De La Keur said she was stuck for about an hour during the incident late last month at the Home Depot in Banks County. She was left not only embarrassed but also still in pain. The woman's sister, Aleera Canino, agreed the ambulance crew should have opted for the safe route and taken Illyanna to the emergency room, seat and all. "She wasn't in her right state of mind to OK an experiment on her," Canino told WSB. "It worked, but I don't think she should have been there."


*-- Sock monkey's 2-inch gun confiscated by TSA agent --*
ST. LOUIS - A Washington state woman said a 2-inch-long toy gun for a cowboy-themed sock monkey was seized by Transportation Security Administration agents in Missouri. Phyllis May of Redmond said she and her husband were preparing to fly from St. Louis to the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport when one of her bags was pulled aside by a TSA agent, KING-TV, Seattle, reported Tuesday. May, who has a business selling sock monkey dolls, said the agent took issue with a small replica pistol belonging to "Rooster Monkburn," a cowboy-themed sock monkey named in tribute to the character from "True Grit." "She said 'this is a gun,'" May said. "I said no, it's not a gun it's a prop for my monkey." "She said 'If I held it up to your neck, you wouldn't know if it was real or not,' and I said 'really?'" May said. May said she was eventually allowed to board the plane with the rest of the items in her bag, mostly sewing supplies. "Rooster Monkburn has been disarmed so I'm sure everyone on the plane was safe," she said. "I understand she was doing her job but at some point doesn't common sense prevail?" The TSA issued a statement Monday. "TSA officers are dedicated to keeping the nation's transportation security systems safe and secure for the traveling public. Under longstanding aircraft security policy, and out of an abundance of caution, realistic replicas of firearms are prohibited in carry-on bags," the statement read.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
Lewis, instead of retard or window-licker or even mouth-breather you could have just said liberal or obama voter. -Bob

Lewis, you never used to donate your sperm. You used to sell it. And you only stopped because you've found a different way to make a living through Bizarre News.
[I have sold it (once or twice) but trust me, I've 'donated' plenty.]

Lewis, it has been proven numerous time that first cousins having children together does not result in deformities. In fact, marrying a first cousin is common in the Middle East and Asia. It is only here in North America where it is frowned upon. And before you ask, no, my fiance is NOT my cousin. -Chris
[Maybe that's why so many Asians look so much alike.]

Hi Lewis, You let Wes get away with saying that money is the root of all evil. The LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Witness most of the top 1 percent in this country as proof of that statement. -Kay
[Love of strippers usually doesn't lead to a lot of good things either.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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