Saturday, August 24, 2013

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

A pair of enterprising thieves took a car wash to the cleaners: They used a powerful shop vacuum to suck quarters out of a coin-operated machine, police said.

The duo drew the suspicion of a passing police officer and failed to make a clean getaway.

"They had a good plan. They were enterprising. If they were successful they could have returned night after night," said Sgt. Gary Young. "More often thieves just use a crowbar. They get an A for effort but an F for execution."

Todd Herburg, 53, and Scott Luker, 55, were arrested on suspicion of burglary.

More charges are pending. What gave the men away was a crude attempt at altering their vehicle's license plates. They used a piece of black electrical tape to change a 'D' to a 'B' Young said.

The bandits were at work for about 12 minutes, sucking coins out of the coin dispensary of a stand-alone vacuum cleaner at the car wash. They used their own shop vacuum to do the work, he said. It was powered by an inverter rigged inside their Jeep SUV to produce household current.

Police haven't counted their stash of quarters yet, but the coin-operated machine probably held no more than $30.

Bizarrely,
Lewis

Questions? Comments? Email Lewis


*-- Police: Woman called 911 to ask for a pen --*
HOOKSET, N.H. - New Hampshire police said a woman who has called 911 multiple times in the past month was arrested for calling the emergency number to ask for a pen. Police said Jeanie Defresne of Hookset, who has called the emergency number 10 times in the past month, called 911 during the weekend and requested a writing instrument, WBZ-TV, Boston, reported Tuesday. "I just want a simple thing," Dufresne told the dispatcher. "A pen." "You want a pen?" the dispatcher said. "You dialed 911 because you want a pen? You do realize that it's definitely not an emergency. You're dialing 911, you are tying up a 911 line, so you're tying up people who actually have emergencies because you need a pen." Dufresne, whose age was not reported, was arrested on a misuse of 911 charge. She was ordered held in lieu of $5,000 bond. Police did not reveal the reasons for Dufresne's previous 911 calls.


*-- Woman loses custody of newborn because of poppy seed dressing --*
NEWCASTLE, Pa. - A Pennsylvania woman who failed a drug test because she ate poppy seed dressing is entitled to damages for losing her newborn son for 75 days, a judge ruled. Eileen Bower was unaware the urine sample she provided to Jameson Health Systems an hour before giving birth to Brandon in July 2009 was being used to test for drugs, Courthouse News Service reported. Bower tested positive for morphine because there were poppy seeds in a pasta dressing she had at dinner. Her newborn son tested negative for drugs, the intake form of Lawrence County Children and Youth Services noted. U.S. District Judge Terrence McVerry dismissed Bower's claims for negligence against the department but her claim of due process violations under the 14th Amendment survived. "By taking custody of Baby Brandon without any effort to corroborate the drug test and without talking to the parents, LCCYS policy did not provide sufficient protection for the fundamental parental rights involved in light of the drastic nature of the deprivation," McVerry wrote. He awarded summary judgment against the child services department with the amount of damages to be determined by a jury.


*-- READER COMMENTS --*
I love your news letter and try not ot miss even one, the one was particularly hilarious, now you're going to make me google what possible satisfaction can one get from inserting a cocktail fork in ones penis during sex..... Keep up the good work. -cheryl
[It wasn't sex...which makes the whole episode even more pathetic.]

Lewis, When given a general anesthetic the patient is awake and could possibly have watched the surgeons remove the fork. I'm 62 and have done a lot of weird things in bed but would have to really be crazy (in the head or about the lady) to do something like that. Keep up the good work. -Bob
[The only time I was ever under general anesthesia I fell asleep in one room and woke up in another with no idea what happened in between. Of course, that describes many of my experiences in college, as well.]

Too many forking jokes in one story... a 70 year old man shoves a fork up his cock to get some tail, hence cocktail fork. After sex, do they fork or spoon? There's a joke in there about a shrimp and cocktail sauce but I can't put it together, you may want to take a stab at it.

perhaps the 70 year old had a younger woman and could not use Viagra so the cocktail fork was supposed to keep it from going limp? -Teri
[In that circumstance you should use a couple popsicle sticks and some surgical tape.]

*-- END OF READER COMMENTS --*
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