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Saturday, June 11, 2016

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

I know I am going to sound histrionic, but the pernicious nature of the story I am about to share with you is so profound, so dangerous, that it cannot be overstated.

I am sure I have mentioned civil asset forfeiture before. This is when police seize a person's assets, without any proof or even an arrest, if only there is a suspicion of illegal activity. Who has to have the suspicion? A grand jury? Nope. The police themselves, of course. It makes for a nice, little closed loop.

The prime targets of this thriving enterprise are drivers, particularly interstate drivers on so-called drug corridors. The police love cash. So if you are pulled over on a highway where drugs have been known to be transported (read: pretty much anywhere) and the officer discovers you have money - he or she will take it.

Why? Because it probably was, or will be, used in a drug transaction, you degenerate criminal.

Oh, you can refuse, but then the police will arrest you at gunpoint and take it anyway. And if you are, in fact, just some innocent schmoe who happened to have 2,000 bucks on him for whatever reason, it is up to you to prove that the cash was obtained legally or was going to be used for a legitimate purpose. So hire a lawyer and drive back to Georgia or Tennessee next week, because you've got nothing better to do.

If this sounds a lot like highway robbery, it is. In fact, it is pretty much the definition of highway robbery. If you think I am being hyperbolic or hysterical, go to youtube or google and type in 'civil asset forfeiture' and prepare for a few hours of blood-boiling entertainment.

Now that I have you justifiably scared, let me introduce you to the new age of civil asset forfeiture. It's called the Electronic Recovery and Access to Data machine, or ERAD.

It is a brave, new digital world, and sometimes cash is scarce, so now police have a machine which can seize money right out of your bank account or prepaid cards.

The Oklahoma Highway Patrol just acquired 16 of these machines last month.

Now, if a trooper suspects you may have money tied to some type of crime, the highway patrol can scan any cards you have and seize the money!

"We're gonna look for different factors in the way that you're acting," Oklahoma Highway Patrol Lt. John Vincent said. "We're gonna look for if there's a difference in your story. If there's someway that we can prove that you're falsifying information to us about your business."

Did you get that? The way you're acting. So if you're acting nervous, uncomfortable or frightened, like if an armed thug is poking around in your personal affairs and property, they can drain your checking account. Fuck next month's mortgage payment, that's drug money.

I know it sounds like dystopian fiction, and I wish it were, but it is happening right now. Don't believe me? I urge you to look the story up yourself.


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*------ Drunk Driver Wore Chastity Device ------*

A Tennessee man arrested last month for drunk driving told police that he needed to retrieve a key from his vehicle so that he would be able to unlock a "chastity belt that was attached to his penis," according to court records. In addition to the chastity belt, the 35-year-old driver, was wearing a white skirt, "white and pink leggings," and black high heel shoes, a police report notes. The 5' 9", 230-pound man also had a ribbon tied in his goatee. The driver reported that there were two keys for the chastity belt. One, he said, was on the key chain in his Toyota Tundra. The second key was on a necklace worn by his girlfriend. So we know who wears the pants in this relationship. I think if you're going to drive around in public with a chastity device on your dick while wearing a skirt and high heels, you'd probably need to be a little toasted.


*----- The Way They Handle Things in Oregon -----*

An Oregon man who tried to steal a bicycle had his plans foiled by a horse-riding vigilante. Local news reported that a woman saw the man riding away on her bicycle outside of a local Walmart at about 10 a.m. when the Good Samaritan mounted his horse and lassoed the would-be thief. Several other bystanders joined in the pursuit and the horseback hero stayed and kept the suspect restrained until police arrived. Police spokesman Officer Chris Adams said that the suspect was booked on suspicion of theft following the incident.

*-------------- READER COMMENTS --------------*

Almost counts only in Horseshoes. LOL -Shirley
[Something like that. Thanks for contributing.]

Lewis, that subject line about the Chinese was pretty insensitive. Do you really want to drive away all of your Chinese subscribers?
[You haven't been reading Bizarre News very long, have you?]

Lewis, if that Chinese guy got that far with that girl (or whatever) he must have knows she was a transexual. Modern medical procedure will only get you so far, if you know what I mean.

*----------- END OF READER COMMENTS ----------*

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